A trial by fire and the gaining of wisdom....

I seem to have a binge and purge relationship with this blog, and bad luck kids, it's binge time again...

As a young and exceedingly arrogant kiddy I used to often bemoan the cynicism and world weariness of my elders (yeah that was about two years ago....) I found it really trying that people were so suspicious, that people were analysed, profiled and a mental dossier was created as soon as they walked in the door, simply from their clothes, their manner. I still find this irritating, it always seems like some kind of mental laziness. As soon as we start simply falling back on a pat stereotype for every person we meet, we start to lose the ability to see new traits and patterns in people's behaviours, if only so as to create new stereotypes!

If you were not yet aware, I'm employed as a high school teacher, and this has to be a profession that is rife with cynicism and world weariness. I know...I'm feeling pretty cynical and world weary right now! It's an effective mechanism, teaching sometimes feels like one long stream of consciousness experience where you dole out advice, help, and coloured pencils with endless abandon. It's hard to watch so many young people get pushed through the machine which you are an integral part of, striving at all times to do the best for all the disparate needs of those in your care.

And here's why.

Whilst I am a pretty rough and ready teacher (my Year 12s used to have friends coming into my class, amazed and fascinated by the crazed frenzys I'd work myself up into to try and get them completing their work on time. Some wanted to do year 12 art, just to get yelled at...???) not really the warm fuzzy kind, though there is a special kind of Year 12 girl who often has a soul type bond with me. But what I have lacked in sweetness, light and lack of foul language I've usually tried to make up for in passion. I give a shit....really.

Which would be why I found last years bout of depression particularly devestating. Why would this happen to me? I sit up at night thinking madly about how to help the kids out. I spend hours refining curriculum to try and get the best possible result. I think I have just about every book on Takashi Murakami. This shouldn't happen to me.

Which was when I realised, at some point probably, every teacher I've ever loathed for being slipshod and just fronting up to class, seeming to be satisfied with keeping the kids in the classroom, let alone achieving anything academic, has experienced the same thing.

Humbling.

I probably really didn't like them partially for this reason. Whilst I was busting my arse, trying to make a difference, I looked at them and saw a very possible future me.

The same with the cynicism about other people. We had a fire at our house on Friday night. We woke up at about 7am, found the windows to our granny flat smoked up and smashed, water everywhere and a flatmate who had covered the windows with a sheet to stop us from looking in.

We slept straight through the whole thing, neighbours reckon they saw it from their bedroom, flames coming out of the ceiling. No one called the fire dept, not even the flatmate. He, in his inebriation, put it out with our poor water pressured garden hose. The room was the one right next to our house, also right next to our gas bottle. it could have been all kinds of tragic and fatal. Instead it looks like insurance will sort it all out and hopefully things will be fine.

Now, I can see, is the time in my existence where I can pick up the mantle of cynicism and world weariness and really make it my own. Let it become all snuggly and comfy. A dark place, albeit, but still, somehow satisfying. I'll understand everything, as everything will be fucked in one way or another. When you look for the worst in people, you're rarely disappointed. Because, I guess, we're all pretty flawed. Why wouldn't you find the worst?

I don't know if I won't. Perhaps this is just the way it works. Every stage for every age, something you grow into, like a middle age adolescence. But now your angst has matured into something finer and sharper... I dunno. Funny thing is, most people who know me casually would assume I'm already there....

Who knows? I'm supposed to be moving into a different area of teaching next term and will be getting a new flatmate once the flat is renovated. I'll keep you posted...